Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy watching me suffer? Because you sure make a habit of it.
I know, you didn’t do this to me. But you are like the friend who can actually solve any problem, and you are right there, and you do nothing. Nothing.
I also know mine are not the worst problems, but right now it feels like everyone is against me.
The only lessons life has taught me is that no one -literally no one- can be trusted. Eventually everyone will screw you I’ve, betray or abandon me. And that my life isn’t worth spit. I don’t matter and I can’t deal with people who think I do. I try to make them realise the truth, by self-sabotaging relationship to ensure people lose respect for me so that they will then abandon me or shoot ahead of me, or stop taking my advice. So what I expect to happen does happen, because it would happen anyway, because that’s my destiny.
Why bother trying? Why bother publishing? Why bother making any sacrifices at all? Why bother investing my time, energy and money in any venture? It’s only going to fail. I am involved, of course it will fail. I don’t matter and no one can convince me otherwise.
All good things which happen always seem an illusion, because crap is always waiting to kick me in the teeth. And usually the low is much lower than the high of the high points.
Why should I give a shit about anyone? No one gives a shit about me. I don’t matter to anyone. No one can be trusted. I hate everyone. No one listens to me, no one gives me an instant answer in the way I want.
I try to put positives vibes out there. I want to change. I want to love and be loved. I want to use my gifts to help others. I want to be the kind of person who is generous, sacrificial, servant hearted, I want to be able to trust people and trust God.
But how can I when all that trust is constantly shoved up my backside? Are you listening God? Do you even care? Was this week yet another example of you blessing me so you could then use it to hurt me?
I am desperate for you to prove me wrong. I want to trust you so much. You don’t make if easy though, and not as easy as you make it for others.