A lot of my posts here recently have been on a similar theme. Today I am wondering why I am talking such a good game yet not living it. Talking the talk but never walking the walk.
Why I am walking, talking, bullshit.
What must I truly believe if I keep on not changing, not taking action? What is the deepest truth of my soul if I never take my diet seriously, keep on giving in to temptation in many areas, keep on procrastinating in others?
Because what we do is usually the best indicator of what we truly believe. Not our words.
So what do I really believe?
I think the question ‘what’s the point’ comes in here. Why bother even trying, I am just going to fail. Why bother making an effort, it makes no difference. How to trust God when I feel He has let me down so much. Why fight the reality which I can’t get away from.
And that it shouldn’t be my job to earn blessing. God owes me payback for my past hurt, and as a God of unconditional love He should give me blessing without me having to work for it.
After all, why bother even trying. God always lets me down anyway. He likes watching me suffer for His amusement.
I am kinda tired of reading Bible verses to try and make me feel better. I love the Bible but I don’t want to hear it a try answer to my problems. I want God to actually do something.
But because it’s me, He probably won’t.
Now hear me, whoever is reading. I know all this is bullshit. I know it’s lies. I know God isn’t like this and life doesn’t work like this. I love God, I love the Bible and I genuinely want to go deeper and more authentic in my faith. And I know somewhere inside I am allegedly worth more than how I am treating myself. Though I often find this difficult to believe.
But to lose weight I have to give up something I love. To grow as a writer and a man I have to get into the habit of reading, which I find difficult, even in terms of pure time. I also need to make more time to write books and work on others, which is difficult. And going to work freelance and leave the MPS terrifies me.
And I am not patient enough or perseverant enough to do it. Not on my own. And to do it with God requires qualities I don’t possess in abundance.
I think the fact I am writing this is some sort of progress.
Maybe the deep reasons are not the reasons I figured they were. Maybe the mistrust and sense God owes me, and all that, is just a smokescreen from the imposter version of myself.
When the real problem is fear. Fear of failure, being hurt, of giving up things I love, and maybe even the greatest unknown - the fear of I might actually achieve if I really put my mind to it.
That revelation feels like a breakthrough. I truly hope so.